Top Secret

I began this blog with the express purpose of exploring the lies I tell myself.

It turns out that’s a very risky-feeling thing to do, especially when I don’t always know who’s reading the blog.

My Shadow Self
My Shadow Self

I have set up a “top secret” shadow blog. It contains posts that are very personal. It is a therapeutic space.

The posts there are private. I will link posts here, and you can click the link to request access.

In exchange for reading, I ask something from you: kind comments, thoughtful support, loving advice, commiseration, reflection.

By requesting access, you are agreeing to participate in a compassionate conversation with me.  Please don’t “read and run.” Please don’t criticize. And please don’t share access with anybody else.

Classified Information

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30 thoughts on “Top Secret

  1. I absolutely LOVE this idea! I’m personally entering a new chapter in my life where I’m finally focusing on “exploring the lies” …it has been a painful and beautiful journey. This is such a brave endeavor you are embarking upon. Vulnerability is such a difficult yet important part of self care. Xoxo

  2. Seeing as how you’re my evil twin and all, how can I say no? I may be telling myself the same lies.

    This is brave. Courageous. A little scary (for you, not for me). Thank you for trusting us.

  3. Hi Kylie, I love this idea – I am often beset by the need to write about important things, in the knowledge that other people will identify with it in some way – but also a need to protect the privacy of someone who may be involved, or even myself. For example, I have a post written and waiting to be published, but I am not going to link it to facebook or twitter, just to wordpress.

    1. Thanks Sara. That’s exactly it–I’m less concerned about letting people in than I am about keeping certain people out. I wrote a really long, unedited post and published it on my other site. It was so cathartic. Thanks for reaching out.

      1. Kylie, I’m still again figuring out how to reply to which comment, etc. I’m amazed that you figured out the privacy thing and the classified posts…and I agree with everything above. Funny how I don’t want certain people all up in my business, but total (and usually friendly, supportive and non-judgemental) strangers? I’m all “Welcome to my blog…Come right on in!”

    2. Sara! I hope I didn’t just goof up, because I often share blog posts that I like on my FB page (but I don’t always share my own, for exactly the same reasons!). Anyway, I had tagged you with a Thank You on your most recent post (about thinking outside the square) for verbalizing what I often think myself. I just quickly now deleted it off of FB. Oh, the hazards “when worlds collide!” (Please tell me you’ve seen that hilarious Seinfeld episode, ’cause it’s a great analogy to a blogger’s life…).

      1. Hey Rufina, it would be fine if you shared it on fb, because nobody I know knows you! I just wanted to keep it separate from my every day community, that’s all – so stop worrying! I don’t have a very good memory for tv – but I have seen that episode, and I know exactly what you are talking about 🙂

        1. Ok, got it. The worry I had was because I had actually “tagged” you as well, but I won’t do that, and you probably have the set up so that you have to approve tags, the same way that I do! 😉 Glad no harm done!

  4. Kylie, I would never read and run. This is an exquisite idea. I hope it fulfills your expectations. Maybe people will comment more if they feel it is more private. It may be an interesting experiment. I’d like to hear if it turns any different from the normal posts. Will you still be doing the normal posting? Hang in. Much love, Amy

    1. Oh yes! Plenty of normal posting. I’ll just be putting occasional, long, personal posts on the other site.

      You are a good commenter. I wrote this ‘Top Secret’ page months and months ago, when mostly people I know in real life (and Facebook) were reading the blog. Now that I’m interacting with more wonderful bloggers like you, there are plenty of comments coming in! I think other bloggers know that’s part of why we’re here. (As opposed to Facebook stalkers.)
      That’s a good idea–to do an update on how it’s going. And you are welcome to seek access to the shadow blog 🙂

  5. I think many people observe for a while before they join in the conversation. I had a blog for about 3 years before Gabe was born. I told very few people in real life about it. I slowly built up quite a a following, but it took a while. I even made friends through my blog, and then my whole world changed and I didn’t know what to write about. I don’t even think I know how to access my posts anymore.

    Just keep writing from your heart, it will continue to grow.
    So, how do I request access?

    1. Thanks Joanne. I think you’re right. I feel like I’m making friends in the blogosphere, too, but I’m really wanting more sense of connection with “real” people I know too!

      Click on the post link and follow the directions 🙂

    1. I approved you as a reader of the site, but am not sure if I have too many layers of privacy. Let me know if you can actually see the post.

  6. Kylie, I think your blog has developed along so nicely since you first started, even though I don’t always keep up with every individual post. I just now noticed that you have developed these additional Pages. If you would like me to participate in this secret conversation, you can send a message to me at This email was my father-in-law’s original email address that I simply maintained after his passing. His first name was Hal and he was an athletic coach (thus, hcoach). He eventually became a double leg amputee in his 70’s, due to vascular disease, and my husband and I took care of him in our home for the last three years until he died at the age of 79, almost six years ago now. When people see this email address, they often think I am a personal coach of some kind. I am just me, but I am a good friend to others. I am all about learning and support in a compassionate environment. I believe that is why we are here on this planet.

    1. Thanks Rufina. As always, I’m completely touched by your words.
      I don’t expect anybody to read everything, and I really do enjoy “likes” from people who I know are genuinely reading, or genuinely want to show their support–and you are definitely one of those people! Your support has been so meaningful over the last year. Thank you.

      I never have posted anything in this password-protected area. Partly, it’s because I’ve gotten bolder about what I post openly, and partly, it’s because I still need to face some things, and partly, it’s because I have to figure out how to make posts link to this page. And partly, because this page is one of the highest read posts on my blog, and it cracks me up a little bit that people want to read some deep, dark secret and then read what’s hear and then STILL don’t comment.

      Who are you people??????

      But, when I do finally get around to figuring all this out, you will be the first to know.

      1. The irony of this page cracks me up too! There must be a subversive Peeping Tom type of audience element out there. And I must admit, I thought for a little while about whether I would even ask to join myself, partly because I was afraid of being rejected, and partly because it felt a little like the game of Truth or Dare! But one of my intentions this year is to be more sure of myself, more brave. So, I took a breath and went for it. And it appears anyway that I passed the test, both yours and mine. Yay!!! 🙂 XOXO

        1. That’s really insightful (and funny), and I’m glad you shared that. I didn’t realize it would feel challenging to people. That’s good to know!
          This is the thing: I’m an open book. I over-share. I almost named this blog, “TMI, Kylie, TMI.” But I am getting frustrated over-sharing into what seems, sometimes, to be an echoing void… especially when I see that quite a few people have read something, but I don’t know who they are. I can’t stand mysteries or secrets. I’m the type to read the last page of the book halfway-through and sneak a peak at my Christmas presents. So, I don’t mind sharing sensitive stuff with people, but I do want some reassurance that they will close the loop by giving a little bit of feedback or support.
          Okay, mom, and boys from high school, I know you’re reading this. Be like Rufina and show your faces!!

  7. You are very brave to do this. You are right, it is good therapy, I am sure. I love it, it sounds like you and I now understand you better. I am just now reading all of this and should have before but felt like I was invading your space or cramping your style. I am glad I did.

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